I finally figured out who I am! How to be ok, how to control my emotions, how to take the bad times accept them and fix it where possible or move past It.
I’m actually now capable of noticing my own faults and being able to change them. I’m feeling so at peace, sort of complete.

Back when

He placed his lips delicately upon the top of my head.
I felt warmth run right through me in an instant.
My arms around his waist and his around my shoulders.
Pulling me close and reassuringly tight.
He was my heaven.
He didnt even need to try and everything felt ok.

I held him close as he let it all out.
His fear, his confusion and his doubt.
I would kiss away his tears but the look in his eyes,
The look of a lost boy…
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make it go away.

I love him.
The birth mark on his back,
the way his hair is curly at the back and wavy at the front and straight on the top.
How his beard isnt as thick on the right as it is on the left,
the way his nose takes a detour to the left, or the right when I was holding him face to face.
His little tooth that fits his face perfectly.
His patch of freckles on his chest.
His really wide nails, and his really long toes.
The little tabs on the ends of his ears.

I loved them all cus they were mine.

I loved the most
When we laughed together,
Or had tickle fights or rolled around playing like teenagers.
Or told secrets, that weren’t real secrets.
Watched bad tv together and secretly loved it.
The way we taught each other valuble life lessons.
The way I fell asleep on his chest and would wake up as big spoon.
How we rolled in unison in the middle of the night without saying a word.
The drives, the music, the dinners, the quiet cuddles, the sweet embraces…
The way I knew exactly how he was feeling and he didn’t even have to say.
The excitment in my heart when he came home from work.

But he was mine and I didnt care, he was happy, I was happy, it was worth it. He was beautiful, he didn’t lie, he wasn’t mean, he didn’t fight, he was there when I asked, he knew me so well, he knew just what to do.

Back when……

Im a girl. Kind of girly. Kind of not. Kind of confused about what it is i want to be. 
I like sunsets and full moons.
I’m the type of girl who wears hoodies in the summer.
I’m a Mom, a good Mom too. 
I manipulate even though I hate it. 
I love deeply and selflessly. 
I give and its satisfying. 
I like being intimate, i miss being intimate. 
I am lazy and I want to change it but am too lazy.
I’m self insightful and level headed.
I love to write everything.
I’m scared of what the people I know will think if i do what i want.
I think that everyone wants me to say yes.
I like salty foods far more than sweets.
Fizzy drink is awesome, but not too fizzy.
I’m passionate about certain things. 
High expectations are what used let me down. 
People don’t suck, its a frame of mind.
Learning who I am is amazing.  

I wonder why the mind works in such crazy ways. The world gives you exactly what you want, then you don’t want it any more. I don’t know what it is i want to do anymore. Originally i just wanted to feel safe and secure, but now security will no longer suffice. Seems so unfair, bullshit. I want to force myself to feel this way, but all these rationality’s have popped out of thin air. 

Its raining, it sounds so heavy but I know that’s only because I can hear it on the tin roof next to my window. I dont know why I say ‘my’, lets be realistic my parents lounge room is hardly any self owned possession in my name. This time of morning is great, I can just imagine what the streets are like. Dimly lit, and soaking wet, headlights of a car nearing from the distance, and that one creepy dude walking slowly across the street. He’s the reason i’ll never be able to appreciate this moment for what it is, I mean for all I know he doesn’t even exist but i’m not about to take the risk to find out. I’m sick of living my life scared of what hides in the dark, but here I am with my 6 year old nieces night light next to my head. It’s that or I sleep with a butchers knife under my pillow. That would never end good, so forget that. Sigh… I want to write a book, publishing my life on an internet site where maybe one or two people might read is my way of telling myself I gave writing a chance…. Thunder. It’s in the distance but seems to be last forever, i love thunder, there was a time when that scared me too, but slowly i’m learning that irrational fears will be the death of me. I really should try to sleep, i’ve been up for two hours and i’m going to have to get up in a few. I know it wont work but at least I can say I tried.

You can try to avoid your feelings by occupying your mind, but remember it’s always going to catch up to you when you stop and take a chance to breathe. Instead of putting things in front of the scary stuff, look it in the eyes and work out what it is you need to do to fix it. 

It takes a lot of a person to apply certain actions into their lives, whilst taking into account that who and what they become is not only going to affect themselves. Life would be easier if done as a selfless act, but not everyone functions like this. Some people think that giving is a burden, some people think that putting someone above them is wrong for their life journey. Other people look at the people they love around them, and couldn’t think of anything better than giving for them. Neither are wrong, but if people gave more freely, rather than think that the only way to achieve in life is to focus on being numero uno.  

Grab life by the balls and love who and what you have. It seems like a very simple solution?  

Old tumblr, new beginnings. 
Suffering? I think. No one reads. This is for me anyways.
A place where i can put everything in words and not be scared.
Somewhere to look back upon and retrace.
I’m growing up and stepping forward. I don’t want to… But I cant stop. 
Every day i realize something new about me. Its beautiful.
I’m at peace with life, and although confused, i know whats coming. I stand still, jump back and look at my life from a different view.
Whats important, why, what I want… I can feel again, feel what i want to be, and its unfathomable… well at least i thought it was. 
All i can say is. thanks.  

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